A Very Busy Night
by jengwilson
Summary: A night of non-stop drinking leads CJ, Donna, Sam and Josh to plan the demise of Amy. Set third season.
1. Default Chapter

**A Very Busy Night**

**Rating: PG-13 - R for language  
Summary: A night of non-stop drinking leads CJ, Donna, Sam and Josh to plan the demise of Amy. Set third season.****  
Author's Notes: The first two parts of this are nothing but conversation. You might get confused as to who's speaking, but it doesn't really matter. It's meant to be this way. You can find all my fics at **

**Pt. 1 - CJ and Donna**

**"I don't like her, CJ."**

**"No one likes her." **

**"He likes her."**

**"No he doesn't. He just likes having sex with her."**

**"Men."**

**"Can't live with 'em…"**

**"Can't live…"**

**"Yes you can."**

**"I need another."**

**"Bartender, two more please."**

**"She's got to go."**

**"Yes."**

**"I have to protect him from her."**

**"That's your job."**

**"Exactly."**

**"You have no choice."**

**"None whatsoever."**

**"Look at that wall. Has that been there all night? Did someone just put that there?"**

**"A pack of wild dogs."**

**"What?"**

**"A pack of wild dogs could attack her. I could arrange it."**

**"A pack of wild dogs?" **

"Yes."

**"In the middle of Georgetown?"**

**"No?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk." **

"Well, I'm not. Trust me."

**"What does he see in her anyway." **

**"The sex, remember?" **

"Ya, but he could have sex with…"

**"You?" **

"Me? Are you insane? I can't have sex with him. He's…he's…why can't I sex with him?"

**"Boss." **

"Right. Boss. He's my boss. Anyway, I don't want to."

"You don't?"

**"Nope. No way. Nuh huh. No. Not in a million years. No way. Not him. Ick. Not in a million years."**

**"You already said that."**

**"I did?" **

"Yes."

**"I don't remember saying that."**

**"Well, you did."**

**"Ok. You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."**

**"Trust me." **

"What are we talking about?"

**"Alyssa. No, that's not it. Andrea? No. You know. Her." **

"Right. Gotta get rid of her. It's my job."

"Sadly, it is."

**"She's not good for him."**

**"No."**

**"A car accident."**

**"A car accident?" **

**"She could get in a car accident."**

**"Are you going to ask her to get in a car accident?"**

**"Do you think she'd say yes?" **

**"Umm. Not sure. I don't think so."**

**"Right. Well, I could rig her car."**

**"Do you know how to do that? Is it blurry in here?" **

"I could fiddle around with things in the…front part thingy…with the hood."

**"Well…"**

**"Right. So, that won't work."**

**"No."**

**"I'm thirsty. Yes." **

"Bartender, two more. Yes what?"

**"Yes it's blurry in here. Have you ever been to Spain?"**

**"I've always wanted to go to Spain. Matadors are hot." **

"Yes. It's the tights."

**"And the sword."**

**"I don't think they're called swords. That's it; a sword."**

**"A sword?" **

"She could fall on a sword."

**"Are we just going to leave one lying around, hoping she falls on it?"**

**"What if someone else fell on it?"**

**"What if the president fell on it? He's very clumsy." **

**"We could probably go to jail for that." **

"I would think so."

**"So, no sword?"**

**"No."**

**"You know who carries swords?" **

"Who?"

"Those guys who fight bulls in Spain."

"We already discussed that."

"We did?"

**"I think so." **

"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."

"Trust me."

**"This is yummy." **

"I'm telling you, that wall wasn't there when we got here."

**"Really?"**

**"Really. Isn't that odd?" **

"You'd think we would've heard someone putting it there."

**"You'd think. Bartender. Two more please."**

**"Hide her."**

**"Hide her? Like witness protection?" **

**"Yes. Mike Casper could help us."**

**"Do you think he would?" **

**"He likes me. He'd ask me out if Josh wouldn't kill him." **

**"Like Josh could kill an FBI agent."**

**"He's pretty strong. Have you ever noticed his arms? They're pretty nice."**

**"But Mike Casper carries a gun."**

**"Yes he does. Maybe he could shoot her…wait a minute. Why are we talking about Mike Casper?"**

**"He's going to hide Alex for us." **

**"Who's Alex?"**

**"That's not her name?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"We're going to have to be able to tell him her name."**

**"Are you sure?"**

**"I'm pretty sure." **

"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."

**"So, he likes you?"**

**"No, he likes her. That's why we're getting rid of her."**

**"Not him. Mike."**

**"Oh right…ya, he flirts with me."**

**"He's pretty good looking."**

**"No dimples. Hey, who drank my shot?" **

"I don't know, but they drank mine too."

**"Bastard."**

**"Bartender, two more. And can you keep an eye on our drinks? Someone is stealing them."**

**"I could pay her to leave." **

"Yes."

**"Like blackmail…no…a bribe."**

**"Yes. How much money do you think it would take?" **

**"He's pretty amazing. I'd think a lot."**

**"See. I was just about to say he's a pain in the ass, so probably not much."**

**"Really?"**

**"You don't think he's a pain in the ass?"**

**"Well, no. Wait. Are we talking about Mike again?" **

**"No. Well, maybe. No. I think we're talking about Josh."**

**"Oh, what was the question?"**

**"Do you think he's a pain in the ass?"**

**"Of course he is, haven't you ever met him?"**

**"You know. He has a nice ass."**

**"Yes I know. Joey Lucas told me. Other wise, I never would've looked."**

**"Of course you wouldn't have. We aren't like men. We don't just check them out the way they do us."**

**"Men."**

**"Wait a minute."**

**"What?"**

**"We're talking about blackmail." **

**"No. Bribery."**

**"Right. How much do you think it would take?"**

**"I don't know. I have about $2,000.00 in the bank. Do you think that would be enough?" **

**"I don't think so."**

**"So, we can't bribe her?"**

**"I have lots of money. I'll give you some."**

**"I can't ask you to do that."**

**"Why?"**

**"What if you have to bribe Danny's girlfriend? You'll need the money."**

**"Very good point. You're very smart."**

**"Yes I know."**

**"Wait a minute. Danny doesn't have a girlfriend."**

**"Well not now, but he could get one. You better keep cash on hand."**

**"Right. I will."**

**"I can't bribe her."**

**"We already determined that." **

"We did? I don't remember."

**"You're pretty drunk. Trust me."**

**"Ok."**

**"What about the other?" **

**"What other? I don't have any more money."**

**"No not that. The other 'b' word."**

**"Ben and Jerry's?"**

**"No."**

**"Baskin Robbins?"**

**"Maybe…no, I don't think so."**

**"Blackmail?"**

**"Yes, that's it. What about blackmail?"**

**"Where does that word come from?"**

**"I'm not sure. It's not black and it's not mail."**

**"We think so alike."**

**"You know what I'm thinking?"**

**"We need another drink?"**

**"Bartender. Two more please. And bartender, did someone just put that wall there?"**

**"He didn't even answer you. How rude."**

**"Men."**

**"Exactly."**

**"Maybe he's deaf."**

**"Or mute."**

**"Maybe."**

**"Are you ok?"**

**"I'm fine, why?"**

**"You just fell off your stool."**

**"Is that how I got on the floor?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Oh. So, who are we gonna blackmail?"**

**"I don't know. Who should we blackmail?"**

**"Damn, my ass hurts. Who are we gonna what? Oh, I know. How about Amy Gardner?"**

**"Blackmail Amy Gardner. Yes, she would be perfect to blackmail. I don't like her."**

**"What do we have on her?"**

**"I don't have anything on her. Do you?"**

**"Nothing. But she's a horrible hateful person."**

**"I agree. She's no good."**

**"None at all. I've got it. We should blackmail her."**

**"You already said that."**

**"I did?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I don't remember. You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."**

**"Trust me."**

**"Always."**

**"Oh, that's so sweet."**

**"Thanks. You're sweet too."**

**"Thanks."**

**"You know what we need? We need information on Amy Gardner. So we can blackmail the little bitch. It's her fault I just fell on the floor."**

**"I have no doubt. Whore. How do we get information on her?"**

**"What about that guy at the FBI?"**

**"Mike Casper?"**

**"Yes."**

**"He likes me. He'd ask me out if Josh wouldn't kill him."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I had no idea."**

**"I'm very attractive."**

**"Yes, you are."**

**"Why are we talking about him?"**

**"We need him to get information on Amy Gardner, so we can blackmail her."**

**"Right. You know who else can get us info on her?"**

**"Who?" **

**"Josh."**

**"He can? How?"**

**"He went to college with her. She dated his roommate."**

**"Slut."**

**"I know."**

**"Would Josh help us?" **

**"Of course he would. He loves me, secretly of course."**

**"Really? I had no idea. I need a drink."**

**"Bartender. Two more please."**

**"He really loves you?"**

**"Of course he does. And I love him too. We just can't tell each other yet."**

**"Why not?"**

**"Leo would kill us, and so would….someone else. I can't remember who."**

**"We should blackmail that person too."**

**"Good idea."**

**"Wait a minute. If Josh loves you, then why…."**

**"Why what?"**

**"I'm not sure. I thought I knew something, but now I'm not so sure."**

**"Ok. We should call Josh."**

**"Why?"**

**"To get information about Amy Gardner."**

**"Right. What's his phone number?"**

**"Pound 1."**

**"What?" **

**"That's his phone number. Pound 1."**

**"That's his phone number? How cool is that? Mine has like…six or seven numbers in it. His is really easy to remember."**

**"I know."**

**"Lyman."**

**"Josh, hi."**

**"Hey Donna, why are you yelling? Are you ok?"**

**"I'm great. How are you?"**

**"Donna, are you drunk?"**

**"I don't know. CJ, am I drunk?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Are you sure?" **

**"Trust me."**

**"CJ says I'm drunk. I'm pretty drunk, so I'm gonna trust her."**

**"Where are you?"**

**"We're at…where are we?"**

**"We're at Kilroy's." **

"No you're not."

**"You're not mute? The bartender can talk Donna. We're not at Kilroy's?"**

**"No, you're at Mac's." **

"Are you sure?"

**"I work here, don't I?"**

**"I'm not sure. Do you?"**

**"Yes, and you're at Mac's."**

**"Well, now that makes sense. Donna, it makes sense."**

**"What makes sense?" **

**"The wall. Mac's has always had a wall there."**

**"Your right, they have."**

**"Hello, Donna. What's going on there?" **

"Who's this?"

**"It's Josh."**

**"What do you want?"**

**"I don't want anything. You called me. Where are you?" **

**"We're at Mac's. You want to come have a drink? Hey bartender. We need another."**

**"No. You don't need another."**

**"I was ordering it for you."**

**"I don't want one."**

**"Are you sure? They're really good."**

**"Yes."**

**"Oh. Ok. Never mind Mr. Bartender."**

**"Do you need me to come get you?" **

**"I don't know. CJ, do we need Josh to come get us?"**

**"Why would we need him to get us?"**

**"Why would we need you to get us?"**

**"Did you drive there?"**

**"No. I don't think so. CJ, how did we get here?"**

**"We took a…yellow car thingy."**

**"We took a yellow car."**

**"I'll come get you."**

**"No. That's not why we called."**

**"Why did you call then?"**

**"CJ, why did we call Josh?"**

**"I don't remember."**

**"We don't remember." **

**"I see."**

**"Bartender, why did we call Josh?"**

**"Something about blackmail."**

**"He's right Donna. Amy Gardner. Thanks bartender. Can we have two more please?"**

**"Donna, tell CJ she can't have any more to drink."**

**"CJ, Josh says we can't have anymore."**

**"Sorry bartender. We can't have anymore. Josh said. Donna, tell Josh he's no fun." **

"Josh, CJ said you're no fun."

**"I heard her. Donna, let me come and get you."**

**"No, we need information. We have to be secretive. It's a secret mission."**

**"What kind of information do you need?"**

**"We need to know about…what's her name CJ?"**

**"April Greenly."**

**"April Greenly. You went to college with her, and we need to blackmail her."**

**"April Greenly? Who's April Greenly? I went to college with Amy Gardner. Do you mean Amy Gardner?"**

**"I don't know. CJ, do we mean Amy Gardner or April Greenly?"**

**"Who's April Greenly?"**

**"I don't know."**

**"We must mean Amy Gardner then."**

**"Right. Josh, we think we mean Amy Gardner."**

**"You need information on Amy Gardner."**

**"Yes."**

**"Why?"**

**"So we can blackmail her, but don't tell anyone."**

**"Why do you want to blackmail her?"**

**"Because…CJ, why do we want to blackmail her?"**

**"Because she's dating Josh."**

**"Right. We're going to blackmail her because she's dating Josh."**

**"I see. And why shouldn't she be dating Josh?"**

**"Because he loves me."**

**"Yes he does."**

**"So are you going to help us?"**

**"Why don't you just tell Josh that you don't want him to date her?" **

**"That won't work. He's… what is he CJ?"**

**"He's a man."**

**"Yes, he's a man."**

**"And men like sex."**

**"And men like sex."**

**"And he's having sex with Amy."**

**"And he's having sex with Amy."**

**"But he loves you, right?"**

**"Yes. So we need your help. You went to college with her. You've got to have some information we can use to blackmail her."**

**"Well, I can probably think of something. But first, why don't I come get you?"**

**"Ok. Do you want us to order you a drink?"**

**"No."**

**"Are you sure? They're really good. CJ, let's have another while we're waiting on Josh to come get us."**

**"Good idea. Bartender…"**

**"No Donna."**

**"No?"**

**"No."**

**"Never mind CJ, Josh says no."**

**"Is he going to help us?"**

**"Yes, but first he's going to come and get us."**

**"Ok. Should we order him a drink?"**

**"Should we…"**

**"No." **

**"He says no."**

**"Ok. Wait, is that him?"**

**"Where?"**

**"By the door."**

**"Josh. You're by the door."**

**"Yes I know. I only live 3 blocks from Mac's."**

**"Did I know that?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Ok, I'm gonna go now. I have to go to the bathroom really badly."**

**"Ok, bye. CJ, how ya doin'?"**

**"I'm great Josh, you want a drink?"**

**"No thanks. I think it's time to go."**

**"Do you have the information we need?"**

**"For the secret mission?"**

**"Shh. Don't yell. Yes, that information. It's very important."**

**"I see. The two of you have been very busy tonight."**

**"You have no idea."**

**"Ok. Let's just get the two of you home."**

**"We're going home now?"**

**"Yes." **

**"What about Donna?"**

**"We're waiting on her, but then we're going."**

**"Should we have a drink while we're waiting?"**

**"No. I'm sure she'll only be a minute."**

**"Ok. Josh?"**

**"Yes CJ?"**

**"Did you know that Mike Casper is in love with Donna?"**

**"No, I didn't know that."**

**"Yep. He'd ask her out if you wouldn't kill him."**

**"Then he'd better not ask her out."**

**"Don't worry. He doesn't have dimples."**

**"Oh, ok. I won't worry then."**

**"Hey, don't tell anyone, but I know a secret."**

**"What's your secret?"**

**"You're in love with Donna."**

**"I am?"**

**"Yes, but you guys can't tell Leo or…someone else. Donna couldn't remember. We're going to blackmail that person too, if we can figure out who it is."**

**"That's a plan. I won't tell your secret."**

**"It's been a very busy night."**

**"Sounds like it."**

**"You have no idea."**


	2. Chapter 2

**Pt. 2 - Josh and Sam**

**"Did they tell you why they want to blackmail her?"**

**"It's obvious Sam. Donna has a case of Lovin' Lyman."**

**"Loving…Lyman."**

**"I just made it up. It has a certain flair to it, I think."**

**"Ok."**

**"It does."**

**"So, they want to blackmail her, and they came to you for help."**

**"Yes."**

**"And this made sense to them?"**

**"Perfect."**

**"I wish I could've witnessed it."**

**"It was something to see."**

**"So, you dropped them off at CJ's and came back here."**

**"Yep. Called you on the way."**

**"Why didn't you take Donna to her place."**

**"I thought they might need each other in the morning."**

**"It was that bad?"**

**"Oh yeah."**

**"So, why'd you come back here?"**

**"I needed a drink."**

**"Or three."**

**"I've had three?"**

**"That's your third."**

**"Sam, don't tell Donna. She'd kill me if she knew."**

**"I don't think she has any room to talk after tonight."**

**"Very good point. They were silly."**

**"Silly? That's the word you chose to use?"**

**"You didn't see them."**

**"So, they're going to blackmail Amy. Hmm."**

**"I love her, Sam."**

**"You do?"**

**"More than anything."**

**"Really? Wait a minute. Are we talking about Amy?"**

**"Amy?"**

**"Oh gross, Josh. Don't spit whiskey at me."**

**"Oh…sorry."**

**"Get off me!"**

**"What? I'm just…trying to clean you up."**

**"First you spit at me, then you fondle me?"**

**"I did not fondle! There was no fondling."**

**"Yeah. If you say so."**

**"You said I was in love with Amy. I was in shock."**

**"So you fondled me?"**

**"I DID NOT FONDLE YOU!"**

**"Josh, please don't yell the word fondling in Mac's. Wait a minute. You weren't talking about Amy?"**

**"Hell no. She's…no."**

**"So, you were talking about…"**

**"Donna, who else? I need another."**

**"Bartender, two more. You're in love with Donna?"**

**"Yes. Of course."**

**"Well, that makes more sense."**

**"How could you think I'm in love with Amy?"**

**"Well, you are dating her."**

**"I am?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Why would I do that?"**

**"I have no idea."**

**"Still, what would make you think I love her? Do I act like I love her?"**

**"God no. It's just that, usually, when a man says he loves someone, he's talking about the woman he's dating, or, you know, his wife."**

**"Married! I'm not married to her am I?"**

**"No! No. Calm down."**

**"Shit Sam, I'm on my, I don't know, thirtieth whiskey sour here; don't scare me like that. You'll give me a heart attack."**

**"Fourth."**

**"Whatever. Can you imagine being married to her?"**

**"Oh God no. Being married is scary enough. Being married to her would be like living with the guy from The Shining."**

**"Cool movie."**

**"Awesome even."**

**"They don't make them like that anymore. That movie scared the hell out of me."**

**"I know. We saw it together. You were afraid of that little girl we passed on the way home afterwards."**

**"Don't bring her up, Sam! You know how I feel about her. She was the devil."**

**"She was four, Josh."**

**"He disguises himself."**

**"Amy."**

**"What?"**

**"He disguises himself. Maybe he's Amy?"**

**"No, Satan's not that bad….Sam… Oh Sam, that's gross."**

**"Hey, you spit on me. I'm just returning the favor."**

**"Well, I guess that's fair."**

**"So, if you're in love with Donna, which duh… then why are you dating Satan?"**

**"I don't know. I should break up with her, shouldn't I?"**

**"You never should've dated her. I mean really, Josh."**

**"Hey, you slept with a prostitute. You have no room to talk."**

**"Oh, yes I do. Amy is much worse than a prostitute."**

**"I bet Laurie was good in bed."**

**"Very."**

**"Do you think you have to audition for a gig like that?"**

**"To be a prostitute? For whom would you audition?"**

**"You're grammar's still too good. Bartender, two more please."**

**"Good idea."**

**"So, CJ told me that Donna loves me."**

**"She did?"**

**"Well, she told me that I love Donna, but it's the same thing."**

**"Well, it's not really the same thing. Is it?"**

**"I guess not, no. But, that's what she was saying."**

**"You're not making any sense."**

**"I'm not?"**

**"None."**

**"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."**

**"Yes, yes you are."**

**"Oh, shit. Did you see that? I almost fell." **

**"You're gone man."**

**"Where?"**

**"What?"**

**"You said I'm gone. Where did I go?"**

**"I'm not sure."**

**"Ok."**

**"She is, you know."**

**"She is what?"**

**"In love with you. She has been for ages."**

**"Donna or Amy?"**

**"Donna."**

"Really? She has?"

**"Yes."**

**"Why?"**

**"I have no idea."**

**"Are you sure?"**

**"I'm sure. I really don't know why, Josh. She can do much better than you."**

**"Obviously. How do you know?"**

**"Know what?"**

**"That she's in love with me."**

**"Everyone knows."**

**"I didn't know."**

**"Well, you're kind of stupid when it comes to women."**

**"Hey…"**

**"Mandy, Amy…"**

**"Alright. Enough. I need to break up with her."**

**"You do."**

**"I do what?"**

**"You do need to break up with her."**

**"I can't break up with Donna. I love her."**

**"Not her, her. Amy her."**

**"Yes. I need to break up with her."**

**"Yes."**

**"I should do it now."**

**"Now?"**

**"Yes, now. But I think I need a drink first."**

**"Excellent idea. Bartender, two more please. This should go well."**

**"Where's my cell?"**

**"In your pocket?"**

**"Yes, there it is. How did you know that?"**

**"You know, I'm not sure."**

**"Have you been in my pockets?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"Well, stay out of there."**

**"Ok."**

**"Who am I calling, again?"**

**"Your girlfriend."**

**"Which one?"**

**"How many do you have?"**

**"Well, I have the one I have and the one I want to have."**

**"Oh no."**

**"What?"**

**"I'm getting drunk."**

**"You are? How do you know?"**

**"That made sense to me."**

**"Oh shit. You are drunk."**

**"I know."**

**"Ok, who am I calling?"**

**"Amy."**

**"Right. What's her number?"**

**"I don't know. Isn't she programmed into your cell?"**

**"Why would she be programmed into my cell?"**

**"Well, she is your girlfriend."**

**"Well, yeah, but I don't like her."**

**"Good point."**

**"My call log. She'll be on my call log."**

**"Yes. That was a very sober thing to say."**

**"It was, wasn't it?"**

**"You could fake being sober pretty well, I think."**

**"I'm amazing like that. Here it is."**

**"Hello?"**

**"Amy?"**

**"Yes?"**

**"It's Josh."**

**"It's 2:30am."**

**"No, it's Josh."**

**"But it's 2:30am."**

**"What?"**

**"Josh, are you drunk?"**

**"Sam, she wants to know if I'm drunk."**

**"Say no. Act sober, you can't do it drunk."**

**"Right. No Amy, I'm sober."**

**"Josh, what do you want at 2:30 in the morning."**

**"I want to tell you…I want…a divorce."**

**"No you don't Josh."**

**"Wait a minute Amy. Sam says that's not what I want. What do I want Sam?"**

**"You want to break up. You're not married."**

**"Right. I want to break up Amy."**

**"No."**

**"No?"**

**"No."**

**"She said no, Sam."**

**"Well, that was unexpected."**

**"What do I do now?"**

**"I have no idea."**

**"Amy, can we please break up?"**

**"No."**

**"Pretty please?"**

**"No."**

**"But, why?"**

**"Stop whining Josh. We're not breaking up. You don't know what you're saying."**

**"Sam, she says I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I'm saying, don't I?"**

**"Yes. You hate her. She's Satan."**

**"You're Satan, Amy."**

**"Goodnight Josh."**

**"But…hello? Hello? She hung up on me."**

**"She did?"**

**"Yes. What just happened Sam?"**

**"I have no idea."**

**"What now?"**

**"I don't know. Let's get a drink and think about it."**

**"Good idea. Bartender, two more please."**

**"Ok. So, you called Donna, broke up with her and she refused to be broken up."**

**"I did?"**

**"You didn't?"**

**"I broke up with Donna?"**

**"No, Amy."**

**"You said Donna."**

**"I did?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Are you sure?"**

**"Yes."**

**"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."**

**"Yes, yes you are."**

**"Right. But obviously, you didn't break up with Donna, you broke up with Amy."**

**"Well, technically, I didn't break up with either one of them."**

**"Right."**

**"Who'd of thought?"**

**"Thought what?"**

**"That Amy really wants to go out with me?"**

**"How can that be?"**

**"I don't know. Maybe I'm as spectacular as I think I am."**

**"Maybe."**

**"Hmm."**

**"Hmm."**

**"So, what do I do now?"**

**"I'm not sure."**

**"I know what to do Sam. We'll blackmail her."**

**"Blackmail?"**

**"Yes, Donna and CJ want to blackmail her. You and I could help."**

**"Donna and CJ want to blackmail her?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Why?"**

**"I told you, Donna's in love with me."**

**"So she wants to blackmail Amy?"**

**"Yes. Haven't we discussed all this?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"Oh. Well, they called me at…what time does my watch say?"**

**"Let me see that. I can't tell. But it's a really nice watch."**

**"Thanks. It's new. Donna kept bitching about my old one."**

**"Women."**

**"I know. Why are we talking about my watch?"**

**"I have no idea. Weren't we talking about Donna?"**

**"I love to talk about Donna."**

**"I know you do."**

**"Donna and CJ called me earlier. They wanted information to blackmail Amy with."**

**"Really?"**

**"Yes, it's a secret mission."**

**"Who's it a secret from?"**

**"Me, I think."**

**"You?"**

**"I think so. And Amy too probably."**

**"I would think so."**

**"So, how are we going to help them blackmail Amy?" **

**"I don't know. I need to think."**

**"Right. You know what helps that?"**

**"Yes. Bartender, two more please."**

**"So, we're going to blackmail my girlfriend."**

**"Yes."**

**"What do we have on her?"**

**"I don't know. I can't think right now. I'm drunk."**

**"Right. Me too. I think."**

**"Yeah."**

**"Yeah?"**

**"Trust me."**

**"I do."**

**"Hey, you know who could get information on Amy for us?"**

**"Who?"**

**"Your friend from the FBI."**

**"Mike?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I don't think so."**

**"Why not?"**

**"I killed him."**

**"What?"**

**"CJ said I killed him."**

**"You killed him?"**

**"I guess so. I don't remember killing him."**

**"Why did you kill him?"**

**"Because he asked out Donna."**

**"He did?"**

**"Yes. No. Wait. I'm messing something up here."**

**"Which part?"**

**"I'm not sure."**

**"Josh, I could be wrong, I am pretty drunk, but I don't think you killed anyone."**

**"Well, that's probably for the best."**

**"So, if he's not dead, he could help us."**

**"Who?"**

**"Casper the friendly ghost."**

**"I think Casper the friendly ghost is dead. That's why he's a ghost."**

**"Well, he can't help us then."**

**"I don't think so."**

**"Ok. Who else could help us?"**

"I don't know. Someone who…wait a minute. What do we need help with?"

**"I don't remember."**

**"Sam, you're supposed to remember this stuff!"**

**"Why me?"**

**"Cause I'm drunk."**

**"Right, sorry."**

**"It's ok, I forgive you. Let's review."**

**"Right. You love Donna."**

**"I do. Hey, how do you know that?"**

**"You told me."**

**"I did?"**

**"Yes."**

**"When?"**

**"Well, I don't remember, but you must've told me, or I wouldn't know, right?"**

**"I guess that makes sense."**

**"It does?"**

**"Yes. I must need another drink."**

**"Yes. Bartender, two more please."**

**"She's amazing."**

**"The bartender's a man Josh."**

**"I meant Donna."**

**"Right. What about her?"**

**"She's beautiful."**

**"Yes. Is that what you said before?"**

**"I don't know. She has really long legs."**

**"Very long."**

**"They scare me a little bit."**

**"I can imagine."**

**"She's much stronger than she looks."**

**"I know. She's hit me before."**

**"Me too. She hits me a lot, Sam."**

**"You know who else hits me? CJ."**

**"Me too. What's up with that?"**

**"I don't know, but it's not very nice."**

**"No it's not."**

**"We should talk to her about that."**

**"Yes."**

**"We're not going to though, are we?"**

**"Hell no."**

**"Why not?"**

**"Because we're afraid of her."**

**"Right. You know who else is scary?"**

**"Who?"**

**"Your girlfriend."**

**"She is. I don't like her very much."**

**"You don't like her at all."**

**"Right. I should break up with her."**

**"Yes, you should. How?"**

**"I know. Maybe you could date her."**

**"No way Josh. You're crazy."**

**"Are you sure? She's pretty good in bed."**

**"Really?"**

**"Well, she's not amazing. Not like Donna."**

**"Donna's amazing in bed?"**

**"She is? How do you know? Sam, you slept with Donna?"**

**"No, you just said she was amazing."**

**"I did?"**

**"Yes."**

**"But I didn't mean in bed. I just meant that she's amazing."**

**"But she probably is amazing in bed, right?"**

**"Oh yeah, she's got to be."**

**"Definitely."**

**"Sam?"**

**"What?"**

**"You can't sleep with her Sam. I mean it. You can't."**

**"Ok. I won't."**

**"Ok. You could sleep with Amy if you want to though."**

**"You think she'd let me?"**

**"She's pretty slutty."**

**"Well, yes."**

**"There you go then."**

**"But, I don't want to sleep with Amy."**

**"You don't?"**

**"No. She's horrible."**

**"Yes she is. You know, I should break up with her."**

**"Yes you should."**

**"But how? Usually women break up with me. I don't really know how to do it."**

**"Well, maybe she'll break up with you."**

**"Maybe. I don't know. She likes to be mean to me."**

**"That's not very nice of her."**

**"She's not a nice woman, Sam."**

**"I'm thirsty."**

**"Me too. Bartender, two more please."**

**"So, you're going to break up with her."**

**"Yes."**

**"As soon as you know how to."**

**"Yes. Hey, maybe Donna could do it for me."**

**"Donna?"**

**"Yeah. She breaks appointments for me all the time."**

**"Yes."**

**"So, I'll just have her break all future appointments with Amy for me."**

**"That sounds like a good plan."**

**"It does, doesn't it?"**

**"Sure. Donna's a woman. She knows how this stuff goes."**

**"She's very smart."**

**"She could maybe send flowers too."**

**"Break up flowers?"**

**"Yes, they're very popular."**

**"They are?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Your probably right. I'm pretty drunk."**

**"Yes, yes you are."**

**"Yes." **

**Ok, let's have Donna break up with Amy."**

**"Yes. Wait. Donna and Amy aren't dating, are they?"**

**"No, she's breaking up with Amy for you. But…wouldn't that be something?"**

**"Oh yeah it would."**

**"Yes it would be something alright. Josh, do you think women talk about men like that?"**

**"That's just gross."**

**"Yes it is."**

**"Ok Sam, let's do this."**

**"Now?"**

**"Sure. We're up. Shouldn't they be up?"**

**"That makes sense."**

**"I'm calling her cell."**

**"Hello?"**

**"Donna?"**

**"Josh, hi!!"**

**"Donna, I didn't wake you up, did I?"**

**"No. CJ and I are very busy working on a secret mission."**

**"You are?"**

**"Yes, we're going to blackmail Amy."**

**"You are?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Ok. Can you do me a favor first?"**

**"Sure."**

**"Can you call her and break up with her for me?"**

**"Sure. What should I say?"**

**"What should she say Sam?"**

**"Is Sam there with you? Hi Sam!!"**

**"Donna, you're yelling."**

**"I am?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Sorry."**

**"That's ok. I like your voice."**

**"I like yours too."**

**"Donna, you're amazing."**

**"Thanks."**

**"Josh…"**

**"Hold on Donna. What Sam?"**

**"Donna has to call Amy."**

**"Right."**

**"Donna, I need you to break up with Amy for me."**

**"Ok. When?"**

**"When Sam?"**

**"Now."**

**"Now Donna. Can you call her?"**

**"Sure. I'll call her. What should I say?"**

**"Tell her I need to cancel all my appointments with her forever."**

**"Ok."**

**"Ok. Call me when you're done. Love you."**

**"You too. Bye."**

**"She's calling her now."**

**"You just told Donna you love her."**

**"I did?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I do love her you know."**

**"You do?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Did I know that?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"Me either."**

**"What's that noise?"**

**"It's your cell phone."**

**"It is? Hello?"**

**"Hi, Josh?"**

**"Yes?"**

**"It's Donna."**

**"Hi. What's up?"**

**"I just called Amy."**

**"She just called Amy Sam." **

**"How'd it go?"**

**"Donna, how'd it go?"**

**"Not well."**

**"Why?"**

**"She said no."**

**"She did?"**

**"Yes."**

"Sam, she said no."

**"Really?"**

**"Yes."**

**"What do we do now?"**

**"I don't know….Donna?"**

**"Yes?"**

**"What do we do now?"**

**"Well, I wasn't going to tell you this Josh, but CJ and I have a plan."**

**"You do?"**

**"Yes, it's a secret mission."**

**"Sam, CJ and Donna have a secret mission."**

**"Josh!!"**

**"Donna, you screamed at me. What?"**

**"Sorry, but you can't tell anyone about the secret mission."**

**"It's ok, it's just Sam."**

**"Oh, ok. You guys better come over here right now."**

**"Why?"**

**"So we can plan the secret mission."**

**"What's the secret mission?"**

**"We're going to blackmail her."**

**"Excellent idea. We're on our way."**


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3 - All four of them**

**"Think, Donna."**

**"I'm trying."**

**"This is very important."**

**"I can't remember."**

**"Come on, how many can you have?"**

**"I'm trying, I'm trying. Be quiet for a minute."**

**"We don't have much time."**

**"Four. Danny Myers. Four."**

**"Four? That's not bad for one night."**

**"I know."**

**"Ok, so you get 3 points for that one."**

**"Alright!"**

**"That gives you a total of 26."**

**"What does that mean?"**

**"Let's see. It's very hard to read while the room moves like this. Ok. '24-29. You often fool people, seeming sweet and shy, but you have tricks up your sleeve. Sex isn't something you talk about, but get you in the bedroom, and your inhibitions suddenly disappear. No one would guess by looking at you that you like to experiment, but given the chance, there's little you won't try.' Wow. I'm impressed." **

**"Cozmo is amazing. That is just like me."**

**"They know their stuff…did you hear that?"**

**"What?"**

**"That tapping sound."**

**"I think someone's here!"**

**"Shh. Quick, hide the evidence." Donna got up and looked around the room, panicking. She took one large drink, finishing her glass of wine, poured CJ's into a plant in the corner, then put both glasses, the bottle and the magazine behind the plant.**

**"Ok, we're in the clear," she whispered to CJ who walked to the door and looked through the peephole. When she opened the door, Sam and Josh came stumbling into the apartment wearing sunglasses. **

**"What took you so long, and did anyone see you come in here?" **

**Josh looked around the hallway, shut the door and whispered, "We were very careful. We even had the cab drop us off around the corner." **

**"But then, we got lost and went to the wrong apartment; you know, a few times," said Sam as he took off his sunglasses and walked towards the living room. At the same time, Donna walked into the foyer, collided with him and fell on the floor. Sam laughed so hard that he fell on the floor next to her.**

**She crawled over to him and asked, "Sam, do you know why you're here?" **

**"Josh told me." **

**"What did he tell you?" **

**"I can't remember everything, but I know it was something about Amy and you two being in love." **

**"I'm not in love with Amy. CJ, I'm not in love with Amy, right?" The entire night has been a blur, but she didn't remember being a lesbian.**

**"No, you're in love with Josh."**

**"See Sam, I'm in love with Josh, not Amy." She pushed herself off the floor and walked over to Josh. "Are you the one in love with Amy?" **

**"No. She's not nice to me the way you are." **

**"I might seem nice, but get me in the bedroom and my inhibitions disappear." They stood very close to each other, both of them swaying, almost dancing to music that wasn't there.**

**"Really?"**

**"Really."**

**"I have to break up with her." **

**Sam tried a few times to get off the floor, finally crawling over to the table and climbing up a chair. "We already tried that, remember." **

**Josh looked very seriously at Donna and started whining. "I don't like her, what am I gonna do?"**

**"I know!" yelled CJ as she walked into the living room. "Let's have a drink and discuss our options." They all agreed and followed her from the foyer into the living room. Josh and Donna sat the couch, very close to each other, and Sam sat on the love seat. CJ started looking around the room. "Where did the wine go?" she asked Donna.**

**"I'm not sure. It was right there earlier. Did you move it?" **

**"No. Did you?" **

**"I don't think so. I guess I could have." She turned towards Josh. "Did you drink the wine?" **

**"No, we had whisky sours."**

**"Several of them," Sam said from his seat as he took off his shoes and tried to lie down. "This is a really short couch. How am I supposed to lay down on this couch?" He bunched up his knees and lay on his side, propping his head up on the arm on one end of the love seat. "This isn't comfortable. Someone should switch with me." **

**"Yeah, because after you told us it's uncomfortable, we're all dying to trade you places," said CJ as she continued looking around the room for the missing wine. "Listen, Spanky. The shortest person has to sit there. That makes the most sense." She looked over at Donna. "That does make the most sense, doesn't it?"**

**Donna lay down on the long couch with her feet in Josh's lap. On instinct, he began rubbing her feet, letting his hands wonder mid-calf. "I think so. I'm pretty drunk though." **

**"You are?" Josh just asked her, amazed at such information.**

**"CJ, I'm drunk, right?"**

**"Yes, we both are. Who stole the wine? We were drinking wine, right?" **

**"I think so." **

**"Forget the wine, let's get down to business." She paused and looked around. "Can someone please tell me what the business at hand is?" **

**"You don't know?" asked Josh.**

**"I can't remember. Donna, why did we have them come over here?" **

**"I wanted to see Josh." She looked up from her place on the couch down at the other end at Josh. He looked back and smiled. "There he is."**

**"You're beautiful. Have I ever told you that?" **

**She sat up, scooted closer to him on the couch and whispered, "No. But sometimes I catch you looking at me, so I already know you think so." **

**"Amy." Everyone looked over at Sam, startled at the word that came out of nowhere.**

**"What about Amy?" asked CJ. **

**"We're here because of Amy." **

**"Right," CJ said, then looked at Josh. "Josh, we don't mean to put you on the spot like this, but we don't like her. She's mean and hateful and…**

**"She's Satan." **

**"Yes Josh, she is Satan. We think you should break up with her." **

**"It's not an intervention, CJ," said Sam as he once again tried lying down on the loveseat. **

**"It's not?"**

**"No. He tried to break up with her tonight. But she said no. Can you believe that?" **

**She looked over at Josh. "She said no?"**

**"To me too," added Donna as she lay back down on the couch, this time with her head in Josh's lap. **

**Josh looked down at her and put a hand in her hair. "You have the softest most beautifulest hair in the whole world." She smiled up at him.**

**"What do you mean 'you too'?" asked Sam. "You're dating her too?" **

**"No. I called her tonight and tried to break up for Josh." **

**"Right, I remember, what happened exactly?"**

**"I called and told her….something. What did I tell her CJ?"**

**"You told her that Josh needed to cancel all future appointments with her." **

**"Right. She asked why. What did I say then?"**

**"You told her that Josh hates her."**

**"That was fun."**

**"Then I yelled into the talker thing that everyone hates her."**

**"The talker thing?" asked Josh. CJ pointed to the phone, and he nodded.**

**"But then, she said no and hung up on me," Donna concluded.**

**"See, I told you she's Satan," said Josh.**

**Sam sat up, obviously confused. "Ok, let's clarify. Who in this room is dating Amy?" Everyone looked around but no one raised a hand.**

**Finally Donna tapped Josh on the knee. "You are, Josh. You need to raise your hand."**

**"But I don't want to date Amy, I want to date you," he whined. **

**"You can't," said CJ. "Leo would kill you. And so would someone else, but Donna and I aren't sure whom yet. Just raise your hand." He pouted for a few seconds, then slowly took his hand out of Donna's hair and raised it over his head. **

**"Ok," said Sam. "So, Josh is dating Amy. No one else is dating Amy. Correct?" Everyone nodded. "I think we should write this stuff down so we don't forget again." **

**"Good idea," said Donna. "I'll be the writer downer. CJ, do you have any paper?" **

**"I don't know. Maybe." She and Donna got up and started looking through cabinets. "Here's a marker." **

**"Good. Now we just need something to write on."**

**"I know," said CJ. "Let's write on the wall, so we can all see it." **

**"That's an excellent idea! That way we can all see without passing around a pad of paper. It'll be like a big dry-erase board." Donna grabbed the marker from CJ and ran to a big open space on the wall. "Ok, Josh is dating Amy. We all agree on this?" Everyone nodded. She turned to the wall and wrote:**

**1. Josh is dating Amy**

**"We need a title," CJ said and took over Donna's seat on the couch. "And you…keep your hands out of my hair." **

**"A title?" Donna asked, somewhat confused. **

**"Yes."**

**Sam stood up. "A title should be something to inspire us. To make us reach further and try harder. A title is possibly the most important part of any document. We need an amazing title." **

**"Amy Gardner: Sabotage," said Josh.**

**"Not bad. How 'bout 'Taking out Amy'?" CJ added.**

**Sam looked at her. "No, that sounds like he wants to taker her out on a date. Not take her out, take her out." **

**"Right."**

**"The Secret Mission to Blackmail Amy Gardner." **

**"It's too long. Plus, too much evidence. We'd be goners if anyone ever saw that." **

**Josh stood up. "Amy Gardner: Satan." **

**"Yes, I like it." Sam and Josh shook hands as if they had formulated the answer to world hunger. **

**Once they all agreed that "Amy Gardner: Satan" would be the title, Donna wrote it down above number 1.**

**Josh started mumbling, "I hate Amy." **

**"I know Josh. That's why were here. We're going to get you out of this mess." Sam stopped talking and lifted his head, looking at everyone. "That is why we're here, right?"**

**Donna looked at Josh and then Sam. "Yes," she said hesitantly.**

**"Really?" asked CJ.**

**"I think so." **

**"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."**

**"Trust me." **

**"Ok, we better write that down too."**

**"We should write down that you're drunk?" asked Josh. **

**"That doesn't really fit in with the title," added Sam. **

**"No, not that. We all know I'm drunk. We should write down why we're here."**

**"Right. We're here because I hate Amy." **

**"And because you love Donna." **

**"I do, I really do." **

**"Ok," said Donna. "Josh hates Amy and loves me. Do we all agree on that?" They all shook their heads. "Ok, I'm writing it down."**

**"Wait a minute!" Josh screamed.**

**"Too loud. I have neighbors. At least, I think I have neighbors." **

**"Sorry. I didn't mean to be loud, but…does Donna love me?"**

**"Yes, of course she does." **

**"Let's try this again. Josh hates Amy and loves me. I love Josh. Is that better?" Everyone nodded again and Donna started wrote it down. **

**AMY GARDNER: SATAN**

**1. Josh is dating Amy**

**2. Josh hates Amy**

**3. Josh loves Donna**

**4. Donna loves Josh**

**"Still, we haven't figured out how to blackmail her," said CJ.**

**"We're blackmailing her?" Josh asked as if this was the first he'd heard of it.**

**"I think so."**

**"Oh, is that legal?"**

**"I'm not the lawyer, you are."**

**"Well yeah, but…Sam is that legal?"**

**"Not so much."**

**"Then we need to be careful." Everyone agreed.**

**"I say we call Mike Casper and see if he has anything on her." **

**"No Sam. I don't want him over here." Josh said adamantly.**

**"Why?"**

**"Because he's in love with Donna."**

**Donna looked Josh, startled. "He is?"**

**"That's what CJ said."**

**She looked over at CJ. "Is that true?"**

**"I have no idea. But I don't lie, so if I said he is, he must be."**

**"Well, that's interesting." **

**Josh stared at her. "No it not. It's not interesting. You're not allowed to date Mike Casper Donna. You're not." **

**"Ok, I won't." **

**"You won't?"**

**"No."**

**"Why?"**

**"Because of number 4." Josh looked up at the wall and smiled.**

**"Oh, ok then." She smiled back and sat on his lap. **

**"So, if we don't use Mike, how do we get information on her?" asked Sam. **

**"Well, Josh went to college with her," said CJ.**

**"Yes. Josh, what do you know about her?"**

**"She dated my roommate."**

**"What else?"**

**"She…"**

**"Yes?"**

**"She…Oh! She was expelled…no, that wasn't her."**

**"Come on Josh. We need something."**

**"She…well, she never really opens her mouth when she talks."**

**"Good, what else?"**

**"Her hair almost always looks greasy."**

**"Yes…"**

**"Oh, and her voice is very monotone!"**

**"It is."**

**"Wait. We need to be writing this stuff down," said Sam.**

**"But I'm comfortable," said Donna from Josh's lap.**

**"Me too," he whispered in her ear.**

**"I'll do the writing for a while."**

**"Thanks CJ," said Donna as she laid her head back down on Josh's chest.**

**"No problem, you two just snuggle."**

**"Snuggle?" asked Donna.**

**"Yes."**

**"Like the bear?"**

**"The bear?"**

**"The little bear on TV."**

**"What are you talking about?"**

**"The little bear in the commercial."**

**"For what?"**

**"Snuggle."**

**"Snuggle?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Snuggle?"**

**"It's a…soap?"**

**"Laundry detergent," said Josh.**

**"Fabric Softener," said Sam.**

**"Really?" asked CJ again. "I've never heard of such a thing."**

**"Really," said Sam**

**"And they have a bear?"**

**"Yes."**

**"And why do we care?"**

**"Because…I don't know."**

**"Ok then."**

**"Why are you standing up?" asked Josh.**

**"I don't know."**

**"We need to write the things about Angie," supplied Donna with her eyes closed and her fingers tracing circles on Josh's chest.**

**Sam sat up, confused. "Who?" **

**"Angie."**

**"Amy," said Josh.**

**"Amy, right. We need to write the things about Amy," said CJ as she picked up the marker and walked to the wall.**

**"But, I'm the writer downer," Donna pouted.**

**"Ok, you write, I'll sit. The room doesn't spin as much when I sit."**

**"Ok," said Donna with a smile. She turned to Josh. "I'll be right back. Don't let anyone sit here."**

**"Only you."**

**"Oh, that's so sweet."**

**"You're amazing."**

**"So are you."**

**"Did you know that I love you?"**

**"Yes."**

**"How do you know?"**

**"It's number 3." **

**He looked back at the wall. "Right."**

**"Hello. Writer downer?" **

**"Oh, sorry Sam, I'm coming." She stood up. "I'll be right back," she whispered to Josh.**

**"I'll be waiting."**

**Donna picked up the marker. "What am I writing down about Angie?"**

**"Amy."**

**"Right, Amy."**

**"Her…something about her hair."**

**"And her voice."**

**"Yes, her voice is monotone."**

**"Good CJ. Number 5. Amy's voice is monotone. Right?" Everyone nodded and she wrote it down.**

**"Number 6. Amy's hair…what about it."**

**"I don't like it," said Josh.**

**"It looks like she never washes it," added CJ.**

**"Gross," said Sam. "You're dating someone who doesn't bathe?"**

**"Not for long."**

**"Number 6. Amy doesn't bathe." Everyone nodded again and Donna wrote it down. "Anything else?"**

**"You know what I hate about her?" asked CJ.**

**"Everything?"**

**"Well, yes, but…"**

**"What?"**

**"She doesn't open her mouth when she talks."**

**"You're right, she doesn't. Why didn't I think of that? Donna, let's write that down," said Josh.**

**  
"Number 7. Amy doesn't open her mouth when she talks." Again, everyone nodded and Donna began to write. "What else?"**

**"She threw my phone in her pot of boiling food stuff."**

**"What?"**

**"She got mad at me and threw my phone in her pot."**

**"She did?" Sam was shocked.**

**"That's why I had to get you a new phone?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Why didn't you tell me?"**

**"I thought…I don't know."**

**"I'm writing that down. Number 8. She threw Josh's phone into a pot of…what was it?"**

**"I don't know. But it didn't smell good."**

**"So, she can't cook either?" asked Sam.**

**"Nope."**

**"Number 8. Amy can't cook." Donna looked around at everyone's approval and wrote it down.**

**"What about the phone?" asked CJ.**

**"She threw it in something."**

**"She destroyed it?" asked Sam.**

**"Yes."**

**"She destroyed government property."**

**"Yes, good Sam. Number 9. Amy destroyed government property." After a round of yes's, Donna wrote it down. Then she stood back and reviewed the list.**

**AMY GARDNER: SATAN**

**1. Josh is dating Amy**

**2. Josh hates Amy**

**3. Josh loves Donna**

**4. Donna loves Josh**

**5. Amy's voice is monotone**

**6. Amy doesn't bathe**

**7. Amy doesn't open her mouth when she talks**

**8. Amy can't cook**

**9. Amy destroyed government property**

**"Sam. I'm no lawyer, but it seems to me that number 6 alone should be grounds for a break-up," said Donna as she looked at the list.**

**"I could represent you," he said to Josh.**

**"Do you think this is enough?"**

**"I think so."**

**"Should we take her to court?"**

**"We might have to, but first, let's try to settle out of court."**

**"Ok, let's call her lawyer."**

**"Right now?"**

**"We're up. I'd guess everyone's up."**

**"You're probably right."**

**"Usually."**

**"Who's her lawyer?"**

**"Oh," Josh said defeated. "I don't know."**

**"Let's call her and find out," suggested CJ.**

**"But, she already hung up on me once."**

**"Me too," added Donna.**

**"I'll call her," said Sam. "She can't hang up on your lawyer."**

**"You're very smart."**

**"Why, thank you CJ."**

**"You're welcome. Now, call her." They all watched as he picked up Josh's cell phone and scrolled through to her number.**

**"Hello?"**

**"Amy, we need the name of your lawyer."**

**"What?"**

**"We need the name of your lawyer."**

**"Who is this?"**

**"Sam."**

**"Sam, it's…4:00 in the morning."**

**"So."**

**"So, I'm sleeping."**

**"So."**

**"So, I'm hanging up now."**

**"No you're not. We're trying to settle this out of court, but if we have to we'll sue."**

**"You'll what?"**

**"We have grounds Amy. Josh is getting the break-up…and the apartment."**

**"The apartment?" She asked, sitting up in her bed and starting to wake-up.**

**"We don't live together Sam," whispered Josh.**

**"Oh. Never mind. He's willing to let you keep your apartment. But he's getting the break-up. We have plenty of evidence."**

**"Evidence?"**

**"That you're a bad girlfriend."**

**"Really?" She was wide-awake and pissed off now.**

**"Yes."**

**"Like what?"**

**"Like… well," he looked at the wall. "For one thing, he hates you. For another, he's in love with Donna, and she's in love with him. You have a monotone voice, you don't bathe, you don't open your mouth when you speak, you can't cook, you destroyed government property, and we think you might be Satan."**

**"Yes! You go, Sam. Wahoo!!" Josh, CJ and Donna were cheering him on.**

**"Excuse me? What the hell?"**

**"We can get more if we have to."**

**"You son-of-a-bitch, let me talk to Josh."**

**"What?"**

**"Put Josh on the phone. Now."**

**"Hold on." He covered the phone with his hand. "She wants to talk to you."**

**"She does?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Why?"**

**"She didn't say. As your lawyer, I don't recommend it."**

**"Give me the phone," said CJ. "I'll talk to her." Sam handed CJ the phone.**

**"Satan?"**

**"Who the fuck is this?"**

**"Don't you swear at me, you little bitch."**

**"CJ?"**

**"Yes."**

**"You're in on this too?"**

**"Of course. You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us."**

**"Put Josh on phone, CJ."**

**"I need to ask you something first."**

**"What?"**

**"Why don't you open your mouth when you talk?"**

**"What?"**

**"Why don't you…"**

**"I heard you CJ. Put Josh on the fucking phone."**

**"Fine." She handed Josh the phone.**

**"Satan?"**

**  
"Stop calling me Satan."**

**He turned to everyone in the room. "She says we can't call her Satan anymore."**

**"Be strong Josh. Don't let her push you around," said Sam.**

**"Right." He nodded. "I'll call you Satan if I want to…Satan." He looked back at Sam, who nodded and gave him thumbs up.**

**"Josh, it is 4 o'clock in the morning. What the hell is going on?"**

**"I'm suing you for a break-up. Sam is representing me, and CJ and Donna are helping me gather evidence."**

**"And…you're drunk."**

**"Absolutely."**

**"So, you have no idea what you're doing."**

**"Yes, I do. I have a list. It's on the wall."**

**"What?"**

**"A list. Pay attention."**

**"Josh, I'm so sick of your shit."**

**"My shit?"**

**"Your drunken phone calls, your idiot friends, your stupid assistant…"**

**"Don't call her that. Ever."**

**"It's ok for you to call me Satan, but I can't call her stupid?"**

**"You are Satan, she's not…she's amazing."**

**"Amazing."**

**"Yes."**

**"Fuck you," she said and hung up the phone.**

**"What happened?" asked Sam.**

**"She said 'fuck you' and hung up."**

**"Does that mean you broke-up?"**

**"I'm not sure."**

**"Give me the phone."**

**"You're calling her back?" asked Donna.**

**"I need to know if we settled out of court," he said as he dialed again.**

**"Well, that makes sense." **

**"What now?" Amy screamed into the phone.**

**"Do we have an agreement?"**

**"Sam?"**

**"Yes. Do we have an agreement? Are you broken-up?"**

**"Yes, we have an agreement. Now leave me the fuck alone."**

**"Fine. Goodnight Satan," he said and hung up.**

**"Well?" asked Josh.**

**"We have an agreement," said Sam with a smile.**

**"This calls for a toast!" said Donna.**

**"But we can't find the wine," said CJ.**

**"Why not?"**

**"We lost it."**

**"No we didn't. I hid it behind the plant earlier."**

**"You did?"**

**"Yes, you told me to hide the evidence," said Donna as she got the glasses, bottle and magazine out from behind the plant.**

**"Right, I forgot." She got two more glasses from the kitchen and poured the four of them a glass. **

**"It's kind of sad," said Donna as she sat back in Josh's lap.**

**"What's sad?" asked Josh.**

**"We don't get to blackmail her now."**

**"Well," said CJ. "Look at the bright side."**

**"What's the bright side?"**

**"We still get to blackmail whoever would kill you and Josh for dating."**

**"Right. We just have to figure out who that is."**

**"Yes. But let's do that tomorrow. I'm too tired to think tonight."**


	4. Chapter 4

**Part 4 - The Next Morning**

**I can't move. I've never been this sore in my life. My head is killing me, my neck aches, even my legs hurt. I know it's daylight, I can feel the sun, but I can't open my eyes, and I can't seem to move. I try to stretch, but I simply…can't. My whole body is in pain; I feel like I'm shoved inside the trunk of a car. Have I been kidnapped by the mob? Maybe I just need more sleep.**

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

**My head, I have to take some aspirin. I have to open my eyes. The room is spinning. Where am I? This isn't home. This is…I'm not sure, but it's not home. I need to sit up. I need to find out where I am. I need to find out who's underneath me. I need to find out what time it is. Should I be in the office today? What day is it? Maybe a few more minutes…**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**I have to get out of bed. I feel like I'm dying. I have to get to the kitchen where my aspirin is. I hope I had a very odd dream last night. I'm sure I didn't do the things I remember doing. Maybe I'll take a quick nap.**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**Something is one top of me. I'm not sure what it is, but it's very soft. I think it's a person. I should open my eyes and see who it is. It's probably Amy. No, she's heavier than this. If it is her, maybe she'd get me some aspirin; probably not. I think I'm dying. I think I need more sleep.**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**I very carefully sit up. Things are somewhat out of focus, so I lean my head back and close my eyes for a few more minutes. Finally I lift my head and look around. I'm at CJ's. Well, that's ok, I guess. There's Josh on the couch; he's snoring a little. Someone's on top of him. I know who it is, but I'm denial right now. I wonder if they…they wouldn't. Would they? No, not with me right here. I need a little more sleep. I'll just lean back and close my eyes.**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**Help. I'm not going to make it. I would feel better if someone would simply cut my head off; I'm sure of it. I open one eye. That's all I can do for now. I see what looks to be blonde hair on my chest. Not only that, but my hand is in it and it's very soft. I'm no idiot; I know its Donna on top of me. I should wake her and sit up, but I'd rather lie here and pretend to be asleep so I can keep my hand in her hair and my other hand on her back. Maybe I'll just rest some more.**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**I open my eyes, which takes several minutes. I'm at CJ's, but where is she? I look at my watch. It hurts to concentrate. It's 8:15. There's what looks to be an empty bottle of wine and four glasses on the coffee table. Did we get drunk here last night? I don't remember that. I remember going to Mac's with CJ. I look down and am not all that surprised to see that I'm on top of Josh. He has one hand in my hair and one on my back. It feels nice. Well, as nice as anything can feel right now. I think I'll stay this way a little longer. I'll just close my eyes and put my hand on his chest. He's all warm…**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**I know where it is. It's on top of the microwave in the kitchen. It's a big bottle and it's calling my name. CJ, come take me. I'll make you feel better. I sit up. It's not easy to do with the room moving around me so quickly. I look at the clock. It says 9:30. It's Sunday, right? I'll just sleep a little longer.**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Donna."**

**"Who's there?" She hasn't opened her eyes.**

**"It's Josh."**

**"You're warm." She's croaking. I don't think she'd appreciate me telling her that she sounds like a frog, so I'm not gonna mention it.**

**"What time is it?"**

**She looks at her watch. "10:05. Do we have to go in the office?"**

**"No. It's Sunday."**

**I can tell she's willing herself to move her head to look at me. When she finally does, she smiles. Her breath is vile, but she's beautiful. I haven't moved my hands from her hair or her back, and she hasn't moved her hand from my chest. "Then let's go back to sleep for a little while."**

**"Ok. Do you remember last night?"**

**"A little. You?"**

**"Some."**

**"Did Amy really throw your cell phone in something she was cooking?"**

**"Yes, go to sleep."**

**"Ok."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**I pick my head up from the back of whatever I'm sitting on and look over at Josh and Donna. Josh's eyes are open and he's looking at her like she's a figment of his imagination. "I'm never drinking whiskey again, and I'm blaming all of this on you."**

**"How many did we have?"**

**"I have no idea. I'm sore."**

**He turns his head towards me. "Where did you sleep?"**

**"Here."**

**"On that?"**

**"Yeah, why."**

**"It's small." I look at what I'm sitting on. It's a loveseat, kind of. It's very small, really more like an oversized chair.**

**"No wonder I'm so sore."**

**"I need aspirin."**

**"Me too, but I can't move."**

**"Me either."**

**"Did you kill Mike Casper last night?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"Oh, that's good. I think I need more sleep."**

**"Me too."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**Maybe if I call 9-1-1, they'll bring me aspirin. I think someone's here; I can hear whispering out in the living room. Someone must be robbing me. I should defend myself, but I can't move. Did I blackmail Amy last night? Why do they call it blackmail? It's not black, and it's not mail. Maybe I'll just close my eyes and get a little rest.**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Josh, I need aspirin," I whisper as I rub circles on his chest. I know he's awake, because he's doing the same to my back. I really like it.**

**"Me too."**

**I snuggle into him some more and put on my innocent voice. "Could you go get us some?" He tries to sit up and can't.**

**"I can't get up," he mumbles. "Where are we?"**

**"CJ's."**

**"Where's she?"**

**"Don't know."**

**"Does she even have aspirin?"**

**"Don't know."**

**"You have to let me up."**

**"But I'm comfortable."**

**"Me too. You're soft."**

**"Sam, are you awake?" I turn my head and look in his direction. He opens his eyes carefully and looks at me.**

**"What do you want?"**

**"Aspirin."**

**He hauls himself off the loveseat, sways for a few seconds and then stands still. Once he's stable, he says, "I'll go." He stumbles his way into the kitchen and I can hear him looking through cupboards. A minute later, I hear the water from the sink and then he stumbles back into the living room with a bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water. He hands the bottle of pills to me and I open it, take out a few and hand them to Josh. He takes them with a drink of the water, then hands me the glass. I take a few and hand them back to Sam. "Thanks Sam."**

**"Welcome. What time is it?"**

**"10:45. Go back to sleep."**

**"Ok. Can I ask you something?" I look at him and raise my eyebrows. "Did you hit on Amy last night?"**

**"I don't remember. I guess I might have hit her, but I'm sure I didn't hit on her."**

**"Ok. I'm gonna sleep now."**

**"Ok."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Donna. Donna, are you awake?" I have to ask her something.**

**"Hmm."**

**"Donna?"**

**"What Josh?"**

**"Do you really lose all your inhibitions once you get in the bedroom?"**

**"What?"**

**"Never mind; I don't really know what I'm talking about."**

**"Did I call you from Mac's and tell you I was going to blackmail Amy."**

**"Yeah."**

**"And did I tell you not to tell you?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"I think I poisoned CJ's plant."**

**"Ok."**

**"Yes."**

**"Yes, what?"**

**"Yes, I lose all my inhibitions in the bedroom."**

**"Oh, ok."**

**"Go back to sleep."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"I'm so uncomfortable." I can't get comfortable. I can't get up. I'm doomed to die on this fucking loveseat.**

**"Shh. Donna's sleeping."**

**"This is too small."**

**"Lay on the floor."**

**"No, it's too hard."**

**"Suck it up, Sam."**

**"Can I ask you something?"**

**"No, I didn't kill Mike Casper."**

**"Ok, first, you're not sure about that are you?"**

**"No, but I'm pretty sure."**

**"Second, that's not what I was going to ask."**

**"Oh. What?"**

**"Did you fondle me in a bar last night?"**

**"That's what you were going to ask. First, you ask if I killed someone, then you ask if I fondled you?"**

**"Ok, I'm just asking."**

**"Is there something you want to tell me?"**

**"You're really sick, you know that?"**

**"Yes."**

**"I'm going back to sleep."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Where are you going?"**

**"I'm going to look for CJ. Be quiet. Sam's asleep."**

**"But, you're warm. You're like a blanket."**

**"I'll be back." I look at my watch again. It's 11:30.**

**"Ok."**

**"Did you tell me I have beautiful hair last night?"**

**"Probably."**

**"Ok. Just checking." I push myself off Josh and stand for a second, trying to get my bearings. It's harder to keep my eyes open while I'm standing, so I close them and head for her room. I take the half empty glass of water and the Tylenol with me. I feel the need to keep them both close. I stumble through the living room, tripping over someone's shoes and then walking into the wall. I finally find her room and open my eyes. She's in her bed. I flop down on the other side.**

**"CJ?"**

**"Don't take the stereo."**

**"CJ, it's Donna."**

**"Donna?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Donna, I'm going to die if I don't take some aspirin."**

**"I have Tylenol. Will that work?"**

**"You're an angel. Sent to me from God."**

**"I even have water."**

**"An angel." She sits halfway up and takes a few Tylenol.**

**"CJ. Did I try to kill Amy Gardner last night?"**

**"What are you talking about?"**

**"Did I rig Amy Gardner's car last night?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"So, she's ok then?"**

**"As far as I know."**

**"Ok, I'm going to sleep for a while now."**

**"Ok. Me too."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"She left me Sam." I'm still lying very still. If she comes back, I want her to lie back down with me. If I'm sitting up, she'll just sit next to me. I must be feeling better, I'm beginning to formulate thoughts.**

**"She didn't leave you."**

**"Sam, did we threaten Amy last night?"**

**"We're not in the mob."**

**"Ok. But Amy and I did break-up. Right?"**

**"Several times. I think you got her apartment."**

**"Just checking. I need more sleep."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Donna, wake-up. Someone's here."**

**"Sam and Josh are asleep in the living room."**

**"Oh, so they did come over."**

**"Yes."**

**"And we called Amy?"**

**"I don't know."**

**"Have you ever noticed that she doesn't move her mouth when she talks?"**

**"I hate her. If there's something bad about her, believe me, I've noticed it."**

**"Well, I think I told her that to her face."**

**"Was she here?"**

**"On the phone."**

**"Oh. Well I'm glad someone finally pointed it out to her."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"You told Donna you love her."**

**"I did?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Did she tell me back?"**

**"Yes. Kind of."**

**"Kind of?"**

**"I think we made a list. We should look for it when we get up."**

**"A list?"**

**"Reasons you should break-up with Amy."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"I told him?"**

**"Yes. And you sat on his lap most of the night."**

**"I slept with him too."**

**"You did? Oh…yuck!"**

**"CJ! I didn't sleep with him, sleep with him. I just slept with him. On the couch. Fully clothed."**

**"Oh, good. So, what happens now?"**

**"I don't know; I'm too hung over to think about it. Any way, there's still the Amy factor."**

**"Didn't they break-up last night?"**

**"I really have no idea."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"So who pegged the name Satan?"**

**"I think you or I did at Mac's. It grew through the night."**

**"It's very good. I think I called her that on the phone."**

**"So did I."**

**"You talked to her too?"**

**"Yes. So did CJ. Donna too, I think."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"A sword?"**

**"I distinctly remember something about a sword."**

**"How else?"**

**"Well, the car thing."**

**"Anything else?"**

**"There was something about the FBI. We were going to call Mike Casper."**

**"Really?"**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"She said she was coming back."**

**"She went to find CJ?"**

**"Yes. What if she and I dated?"**

**"Donna, right. Not CJ."**

**"Sam, are you still drunk?"**

**"No, I just wanted to make sure."**

**"Yes, Donna. What if she and I dated?"**

**"Well, Leo might kill you."**

**"Not to mention CJ."**

**"She'd definitely kill you."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"You know, it wouldn't be the end of the world if you two dated."**

**"It would hurt his career."**

**"No it wouldn't. It's been too long."**

**"Too long?"**

**"Men don't have tawdry affairs with someone they've known for almost 5 years. They have affairs with women they pick up in bars."**

**"Or their assistants, who just happen to be 12 years younger than them."**

**"I think I can spin it."**

**"Really?"**

**"I'm pretty amazing."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"You're going to have to call her."**

**"I know."**

**"It was spineless."**

**"I know. I have to apologize."**

**"Me too."**

**"You?"**

**"I think I read her the list."**

**"I don't remember this list you keep talking about."**

**"Hmm…maybe it was a dream."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"I don't even know if he'd want to."**

**"Of course he wants to."**

**"He's dating Amy."**

**"I think they broke-up last night."**

**"Because of the mouth thing?"**

**"Something about her not bathing too."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Donna!"**

**"Don't yell. What time is it?"**

**"I don't know. Donna has a watch on. Donna! Come back to me!"**

**"Well that just sounded desperate."**

**"It did, didn't it?"**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Prince Charming'is calling for you."**

**"I told him I'd come back."**

**"I'll come too. Just give me one minute."**

**"We're coming Josh! Hold on a sec!"**

**"That was really loud."**

**"So, you think he heard me?"**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"I'm going to stand now."**

**"Not me."**

**"Why?"**

**"I want Donna to lay with me again when she gets back."**

**"You mean lay on you?"**

**"Well, yeah."**

**"Ok. Oh shit."**

**"What?"**

**"I found the list."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Are you ready to move?"**

**"Yes."**

**"Ok, let's go. We'll take it slow."**

**"Ok."**

**"I should tell you something now, before we go out there."**

**"What?"**

**"I might have poisoned your plant."**

**"Sebastian?"**

**"You named your plant?"**

**"Well, I don't have any pets or, you know, kids. It's the only thing I'm responsible to keep alive."**

**"What about Gail?"**

**"I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone else."**

**"What?"**

**"I've had 3 Gail's."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"Josh, sit up."**

**"Why?"**

**"The list."**

**"What about the list?"**

**"I found it."**

**"Just hand it to me."**

**"That's not going to be possible."**

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

**"We're back. I see you haven't moved," says Donna as she walks in the room and looks at Josh.**

**"I was pretty comfortable before, I thought maybe…" he waves his arms between the two of them and she can't help but smile.**

**"Sit up." He pouts for a second and then sits up, giving her room to sit next to him.**

**"What's wrong Sam?" asks CJ as she walks into the room.**

**"CJ! Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Go back to bed."**

**"Why?" She follows his gaze to the wall. "What the…what the hell…Satan?"**

**"That's our new name for Amy," Sam says weekly. Donna and Josh look over at him and then notice the wall as well.**

**"So we wrote it in huge letters across my wall?" She says and sits down next to Sam on the loveseat.**

**"Well, actually, I think it's Donna's handwriting."**

**"Sam!" Donna yells.**

**"Sorry. I don't want CJ to hit me."**

**CJ reaches over and smacks him in the back of the head. "Your plan didn't really work too well, did it Spanky?"**

**"Not so much, no."**

**"So, Satan…"**

**"Yeah, Josh and I came up with it in the bar."**

**"Hmm… fits pretty well," she laughs.**

**"That's the list you've been talking about?" asks Josh as he reads over the wall. "The one we'd have to look for?"**

**"That's the list."**

**They all look over the list for a few minutes. CJ is the first to speak. "I think number 7 is mine."**

**Sam nods. "Number 9 is mine. Josh, is number 6 true?"**

**"No, but number 8 is very true."**

**"Donna," Sam asks. "Which one is yours?"**

**"Number 4," she says quietly, staring directly at the wall, refusing to look at Josh.**

**"Oh…right. Josh?"**

**Josh takes Donna's hand in his. "Number 3."**

**"I need to spin, don't I?" asks CJ.**

**"Yeah," they both answer, still looking at the wall.**

**AMY GARDNER: SATAN  
1. Josh is dating Amy  
2. Josh hates Amy  
3. Josh loves Donna  
4. Donna loves Josh  
5. Amy's voice is monotone  
6. Amy doesn't bathe  
7. Amy doesn't open her mouth when she talks  
8. Amy can't cook  
9. Amy destroyed government property**


End file.
